


Of Monsters and Marauders

by PadnProng



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, Gen, Marauders, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-06 01:19:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11590044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PadnProng/pseuds/PadnProng
Summary: Snape was too obsessed with bringing down James Potter once and for all to listen to his better judgment, which was desperately gesturing to all of the obvious warnings in this scenario. And besides, even if Potter and his band of morons were plotting something, Snape surely could handle it. Driven with excitement and curiosity, Snape ventured out into the darkness towards the Whomping Willow just as he had been instructed. Each step he took brought him more of a thrill. Finally, after all these years of being outwitted and publicly humiliated, Potter would get what he deserved. His greatest secret would be revealed and at last Snape could permanently wipe that smug expression from his face. Snape pushed the center knot and entered inside the passageway.





	1. Chapter 1

Since running away from home that summer, Sirius had not quite been the same. He had settled in just fine at the Potters’ and was truly grateful for their acceptance, but secretly he struggled. Although Sirius had felt alienated from his family for most of his life (and had always prided in this disconnect), the pain of rejection and abandonment gnawed at him. Surely, these were not entirely new feelings—in fact, they had been perseverative themes at the most ancient and noble house of Black. This particular instance of abandonment, however, had been deeper—more final. 

It wasn’t the explosive argument concerning the inevitability of Sirius’ pureblood arranged marriage that precipitated his elopement; it wasn’t even being briefly put under the cruciatus curse by his father. No, Sirius had passed the point of no return because of what occurred after those few seconds under the curse. In a vulnerable, weak and sickeningly disoriented state, he had turned desperately to his mother for some glimmer of maternal sympathy. Sirius’ hopes, however, were met with Walburga Black’s ordinary rigid callousness. She must not have even batted an eye as she witnessed her sixteen-year-old son being tortured, thinking it some twisted lesson on obedience. She merely left him there. Sirius concluded then that to his parents, he would only ever be the _Black Family Heir_. And he left for good.

Inundated by his mixed feelings, Sirius became angry. All of the time. Several weeks later after the boys returned to Hogwarts he only felt worse. He had always been obstreperous to a point, but normally these traits and behaviours were far more manageable and subdued. Now, he skipped his courses regularly, failed nearly every exam purposefully, and frequently provoked magical and physical fighting with other students. Even his closest friends often found his temper to be intolerable. James included.

When Sirius had discovered that their sworn enemy was spying on him and his best friends to learn of Remus’ monthly disappearances, his acutely heightened irascible nature enveloped him. He had no interest in being outsmarted by a sniveling heap of grease--and so acted.

~~*~~

In mid-October nearing the end of the day before the next full moon, Severus Snape clambered out of the Slytherin common room looking suspicious. Having come so far as to identify the next date and relative time that Remus would disappear, he sought to gather more information. It was rather dark and lonely in the dungeons, with everyone beginning dinner, but Snape appreciated it. He had crept a few feet down the corridor towards the Great Hall before suddenly hearing the sound of someone wolf-whistling. Being on edge from his surreptitious endeavour, Snape was taken aback by the unexpected noise. He emitted an uncharacteristic shriek and leapt backwards with a certain spastic grace.

“WHO IS THERE” he boomed and whipped the light of his wand at the shadowy corner where the sound came from. The spotlight revealed Sirius, who was leaning coolly against the wall whilst artfully twirling his wand around his fingers.

“ _Black!_ ” Snape hissed and rearranged his greasy hair in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. “..What do you think you are doing down here?! I will report you immediately!” He spat, continuing to keep his wand pointed in Sirius’ face.

“I didn’t know that you could dance, Sniv.” Sirius remarked mockingly, unfazed by Snape’s potentially threatening wand. “Perhaps I should attend Slughorn’s Christmas party after all...”

“And I was not under the impression that Potter’s pet could go anywhere without its leash,” Snape retorted caustically, staring up into Sirius’ grey eyes with marked abhorrence.

Irritation began to creep in and Sirius’ face twisted into a grimace. “Right. Let’s get on with this, then.” He went on with a cold impatience: “You’ve been following us. And I know why, I know what you’re after. I am willing to divulge essential information to you.”

Despite himself, Snape could not help but perk up with interest at Sirius’ words. After all, this mission had become an obsession of his. “And why, might I ask, would you do something like that?” His voice oozed with skepticism.

“Dunno, suppose you’ve caught me in a generous mood?” Sirius offered evasively with a mock shrug. “Anyway, I prefer to spend as little time talking to you as possible. Can’t stomach the stench.” He scoffed. “Shall I tell you or not?”

“How do I know that this is not some elaborate scheme or prank of yours and Potter’s?” Snape sneered.

“You don’t.”

“..Tell me.”

Sirius told Snape to go to the Whomping Willow after nightfall. He told him that if he pushed the knot in the center of the tree, an opening would appear, and there Snape would find answers. Before Snape could even open his mouth to press for further information, Sirius was already halfway down the dimly lit corridor.

Snape watched Sirius leave with a scowl for a moment before suddenly realizing something. “How did you know where to find me?” He called after him with his eyes narrowed. Sirius smirked to himself as he turned the corner, vanishing from Snape’s view.

Snape was too obsessed with bringing down James Potter once and for all to listen to his better judgment, which was desperately gesturing to all of the obvious warnings in this scenario. And besides, even if Potter and his band of morons were plotting something, Snape surely could handle it. Driven with excitement and curiosity, Snape ventured out into the darkness towards the Whomping Willow just as he had been instructed. Each step he took brought him more of a thrill. Finally, after all these years of being outwitted and publicly humiliated, Potter would get what he deserved. His greatest secret would be revealed and at last Snape could permanently wipe that smug expression from his face. Snape pushed the center knot and entered inside the passageway.

~~*~~

James knew Sirius well enough to know that the estrangement was eating at him, even if he denied it. They all knew it. While Sirius had always been prone to moodiness and acting out, there was something different about this--something dark and desperate. It left James feeling desperate in turn, desperate to help his friend, but he didn’t know how. James couldn’t conceive of what it would be like to have your own parents abandon you--James was his parents’ miracle child, the absolute center of their lives. James couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have anything other than that, and so he didn’t know what to say to Sirius, or how to get him to open up. All he could really do was just be there, but he couldn’t help but feel like that wasn’t enough.

These thoughts and anxieties churned in James’ stomach as he followed behind Sirius, next to Remus. Remus, too, was quiet as they passed through their secret tunnel, but that was to be expected. Even Peter seemed somber. 

Once in the shack, Remus cringed as they waited, and again James was struck with the sting of watching another one of his friends suffer and not being able to stop it. 

Remus shrieked and cried as his body contorted and stretched against his will into a different species entirely. It never got more bearable to watch, even after witnessing it countless times. 

Feeling faintly guilty for his much easier transformation, James seamlessly transfigured himself into his animagus form, a stag, and was glad that Remus at least didn’t have to go through this on his own. Sitting in the common room while Remus went through this would have been undoubtedly worse.

As Prongs, James' thoughts became more instinctual. There was a threat before him, running towards him, and Prongs charged a tackled the wolf. The muscles' on Prongs' legs remained terse, ready to pounce, even as Padfoot tackled and rolled across the floor with the wolf.

Abruptly, the wolf stilled and turned towards the door, nose sniffing wildly. Prongs stilled as well--perplexed by the shift in the atmosphere. Then, he heard something moving below. James scarcely had time to think about what it could be before a figure emerged in the doorway--Snape. 

Snape gaped as his eyes locked with the stare of a fully grown werewolf. The shock froze him in place and he stared into the dark abyss of the beast’s eyes, lost in horrific awe as it began to thrust towards him. Unable to defend himself or even move, Snape quickly came to understand that he was about to lose his life. He closed his eyes, awaiting the darkness…

James had no time to think of why Snape was here or how he could have found them. As Prongs, he charged at the wolf, trying to distract him, but he could not throw the wolf off the human scent for long. It easily threw Prongs off, knocking him clear across the room. Prongs saw that Snape continued to stand there, petrified. He knew that charging the wolf to get to Snape would be no use, and time was running out with each passing second. Heart hammering, James transformed back into his human form. Taking the wolf unaware, James was able to slip past the wolf, and push Snape out of the doorway. Petrified, James turned and found _himself_ face to face with the werewolf.

Snape's eyes shot open and he realized that he was still in one piece because of James Potter. Without wasting another second, Snape scrambled off the stone floor and charged back out through the passage, his heart throbbing in his ears.

James stood face-to-face with the wolf; their eyes met and James’ mind went blank in sheer, blazing terror. For a second, he was transfixed by his fear, and a second was really all it would have taken for the wolf to rip his throat out. 

The moment never came, however; Padfoot lunged with the full force of his muscular, canine legs straight towards the werewolf and sunk his fangs into its shoulder. He clung there as long as he could to give James as much time to run as possible.

The wolf emitted a howl upon Sirius’ impact (more from surprise than pain) and turned away from James in order to shake the massive dog from his shoulder. With a violent thrash, it slashed at Sirius’ muzzle and with a whip of its shoulder sent Padfoot flying backwards into the wall behind them. Padfoot hit the wall with a yelp.

~~*~~

James’ higher functioning returned only when Padfoot attacked the wolf. James could transform back and rejoin them--but then, he remembered what had just happened. He remembered Snape. Snape, who’d almost died. Snape, who could tell the whole school what happened in an hour. Spinning on his heel, James turned and bolted down the corridor, out of the shack.

Once outside, James continued running, he could make out Snape’s figure far ahead. “SNAPE!” James yelled, his voice still frightened and tinged with desperation. “WAIT! Wait!” James gasped, his feet continuing to pound into the grass after him, spurred forward by his athlete’s stamina.

Snape ran with focused adrenaline like he had never experienced before. He distantly heard James calling out to him, but his blinding fear propelled him forward—straight into the forbidden forest. He continued to run through the woods until the toe of his shoe got caught by the root of a tree--which sent him tumbling into the dark ground. Snape lay there, heaving in the darkness as he heard James’ footsteps near. “STAY AWAY FROM ME, POTTER,” he gasped, attempting to sound threatening, but he was too exhausted to even locate his wand in the leaves.

James easily caught up with Snape once he fell, the faster of the two by far. He panted and threw his hands up to show that he meant no harm. “Snape…” James said, looking down at him wide-eyed, face pale. As much as James despised this guy normally, he felt profoundly grateful in this moment that he was still breathing. “Are...are you okay?” he asked tentatively. 

Snape gathered himself quickly, standing up so that he and James were now eye-to-eye. He was grateful to James for saving his life, but he was also filled with humiliation, rage, and terror-- And these clearly were the dominating emotions. “How dare you come and face me after that,” he said, his black eyes blazing. “After what you and Black pulled! I expected there might be some childish prank, but never anything so heinous! You all are more arrogant than I had ever thought. Do.not.ask.me.if.I.am.okay!” Snape’s chest rose and fell heavily, and even though he spoke out of anger, the fear remained prominent in his eye.

James’ brow furrowed at Snape’s outburst. “What do you mean what Black and I pulled?” he asked wearily. He had no idea how Snape had found their secret passage.

Although James genuinely wanted to make sure that he was okay and that he didn’t have any werewolf scratches, James also wanted to know how he’d found them and what he’d ascertained about the situation--namely, if he’d connected it to Remus. “How did you find the shack?” James asked.

“DON’T PLAY DUMB, POTTER” Snape burst, a shadow of color appearing on his corpse-like face. “I know you wanted me to go down that passageway looking for Lupin. You had Black come and tell me what to do knowing I would be too blinded to question it!” the vein on his forehead was throbbing and threatening to explode as he spoke to James. Clearly he was ashamed with himself for walking into a trap.

“I didn’t--I...wait. Sirius told you where to find us?” James asked, not willing to believe it.

Snape took some pleasure in the surprise in James’ voice. “I suppose you have less control over your dear pet than you thought.” he said with a small smirk and turned, beginning to exit.

“I don’t have _any_ control over Sirius,” James said, but then tried to strangle the annoyance that was creeping up at the insult. “He told you?” James asked again, raising his voice over the wind as he spoke to Snape’s back. James knew he had confirmed just as much, but he needed him to say it explicitly--otherwise, James just couldn’t believe it.

Snape smiled to himself with satisfaction before turning back to James. “He told me precisely where to find Lupin. He came to me solely to provide me with that information. It’s almost as if he _wanted_ me to die.” he said with bitterness.

James felt as if Snape had punched him in the gut. He didn’t want to believe what he was saying--but how _else_ would he have known? James was sure he hadn’t been following them the whole time--they had the map, even, and he hadn’t been on there. James opened his mouth, then closed it again, unsure of what to say, what to think.

“I suppose you did give me what I wanted," Snape continued. "I had suspicions concerning Lupin, but never would I have imagined he was a _werewolf_. It all makes sense, of course. But knowing this certainly was not worth nearly _dying_ for! And all thanks to you.”

Whatever color remained in James’ face drained as Snape made it clear that he knew exactly who the werewolf was. Unthinkingly, James reached out and grabbed Snape’s wrist, his eyes wide, pleading. “Severus…” James beseeched. “You can’t tell anyone, please,” he said. “I-I know we’ve had our differences, but Remus--Remus has never done anything to you. He’s stuck up for you--please. Don’t take this...this thing that we have out on him. If you tell anyone, you’ll ruin his life, his whole _life_ ,” James begged. 

Snape’s lip instantly curled in disgust when he looked down to see James touching him. After listening to James plead, for a moment Snape looked at him thoughtfully. Although he believed James to have played a major role in this trick, he had just saved his life—which made Snape indebted to him. This he instantly despised. 

“I won’t tell.” Snape said finally, after the silence.

James let out a sigh of relief, then shook his head. “I--thank you,” he said quietly, not wanting to push it or say anything that might make Snape rescind his words. He wasn’t entirely sure that he could trust him, but James didn’t really think Snape would say something he didn’t mean just to placate him. 

“Don't thank me," Snape spat. "I am not doing this for you. Or for Lupin. I owe you nothing,” he said, before he turned, whipped his robes into James’ face, and headed out of the forest, back towards the castle.

As Snape left, James couldn't help but wonder who he was doing it for, then, if not for Remus. But then, of course, James thought--Remus was Lily's friend, too.


	2. The Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "James flatly ignored Peter as he stared at Sirius. Part of him wanted to ignore what Snape said--but there was also a building fury inside of James over what could have happened to Snape, what could have happened to Remus. “Sirius,” James said, his voice tense, rigid. “Did you tell Snape where we were going?” he asked, giving him a chance to tell his side of the story and hoping that it was different, that Sirius would invalidate Snape’s accusation.
> 
> Sirius was in the midst of wiping blood from his face onto his jeans when he heard James’ question. He hadn’t considered what would happen if James had found out what he had done. Then again, he hadn’t been doing very much thinking in general of late. Certainly not that night.
> 
> He slowly stood up straight and met James with a dark, fearless stare. “Yes, I did.” he admitted simply."

While James had chased after Snape, Sirius--in his dog form--got himself up from the floor and faced the wolf with his ears back, body lowered and hackles raised--threatening attack. Wolf and dog faced off, snarling and baring teeth as Sirius slowly backed towards the exit of the shack. Once he was close enough, he swiftly gripped Peter (who had been cowering in the corner as a rat the entire time) between his teeth and barreled out through the passageway—with the wolf’s snapping jaw just missing Sirius’ tail. 

Sirius and Peter both transformed back into humans once they were safely outside and out of range of the willow. Peter was shaking in horror and vomited the moment they stilled. Sirius was dripping blood from the gashes on his face that ran from the bridge of his nose all the way across to his jaw. He sighed, nonverbally lit his wand, and pulled Peter up from the grass by the shirt collar.

“Bet you’re regretting that third helping of shepherd's pie right about now, eh, Worm?” Whilst dragging a sullen Peter behind him, Sirius trudged through the damp grass--fighting pain and exhaustion--to find James in the night.

The full moon loomed over the castle as the night slowly rolled on. While Hogsmeade village was being haunted by the wolf’s tumultuous screams from within the shack, the dark woods of the forbidden forest were uncannily silent. Sirius had been tracking James and Snape, which, much to Peter’s dismay, had led them into the forest.

“No…no.no.no. Not the forest…Please, Sirius…can’t we just go home?” Peter groaned in protest as he was being dragged into the shadowy woods.

“By all means, head back if you’d prefer.” Sirius replied curtly, dropping Peter’s arm and quickening his pace. 

Peter stood in the dark for a moment with his mouth agape as he blankly watched his sole source of protection fading up ahead. His bottom lip began to quiver as the reality of his situation slowly dawned on him. The sound of an owl calling above and the mysterious bristling of a nearby bush catalyzed his awakening. And then, much to Sirius’ delight, he began to shriek and run back towards Sirius with his arms flailing. 

The amusement ceased once Peter had reached him and collapsed most of his weight (which was nearly double that of his own) onto Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius sighed but put his arm around Peter and continued to lead them to James.

Not long after that did they stumble upon James.

“Fuck, Prongs. I couldn’t bloody well find you anywhere…” Sirius said to James with exasperation as he released Peter, who immediately dropped like a boulder to the mossy ground. Sirius bent over and pressed his hands to his knees as he panted.

Peter whimpered quietly below them both. "Er... you guys..." he piped up, looking wildly around his ominous surroundings with terror. “C…can we please go home now...”

James flatly ignored Peter as he stared at Sirius. Part of him wanted to ignore what Snape said--but there was also a building fury inside of James over what could have happened to Snape, what could have happened to _Remus_.

“Sirius,” James said, his voice tense, rigid. “Did you tell Snape where we were going?” he asked, giving him a chance to tell his side of the story and hoping that it was different, that Sirius would invalidate Snape’s accusation.

Sirius was in the midst of wiping blood from his face and onto his jeans when he heard James’ question. He hadn’t considered what would happen if James had found out what he had done. Then again, he hadn’t been doing very much thinking in general of late. Certainly not that night. 

He slowly stood up straight and met James with a dark, fearless stare. “Yes, I did.” he admitted simply. 

The look on Sirius’ face unnerved James nearly as much as his words did. For a moment, he merely gaped at him. “How could you?” he asked finally, his voice quiet at first, then all the fear and tension of the past hour boiled up in him and he burst, “How could you bloody well fucking _do that?_ ” James shouted. “Snape could have _died!_ ” he said. 

“You’re right, he could have died,” Sirius’ voice was a dangerous calm. “But he didn’t, did he?” Sirius asked rhetorically. 

“So now who’s being the dramatic one,” he added nastily and crossed his arms. 

“ Maybe I am being fucking dramatic, because this is a big deal! _It’s not okay that Snape could have died!_ ” James shouted. He then ran both of his hands through his hair, but not to artfully dishevel it as usual; instead, he curled his fingers into his unruly hair, tugging at the strands in frustration before he let his arms fall at his sides.

“I can’t stand him either, Sirius, but I never wanted to--I don’t want to really, physically _hurt him_! I mean, that’s the difference between us and them!” he said. “We don’t _do_ that dark, twisted shite that they do,” James said. “No,” he said fiercely at Sirius’ flimsy justification for telling Snape about the Shack.

“So, what, does this mean that I’m basically a purist fanatic now?” Sirius asked bitingly as he began to slowly circle around James like a hunting predator. “Is that what you’re insinuating? You, being so morally _upstanding_ and all,” Sirius snarled. 

“What--no! What does that even have to do with anything?” James said, turning to face Sirius so his back was never to him. “What I’m _insinuating_ is that you fucked up, that almost killing Snape is crossing a line, _especially_ because, in the end, the blood wouldn’t have been on your hands anyway! It would have been on Remus’, and I mean--fucking hell, Sirius, how could you have put Remus into this situation, if nothing else?” he questioned, going off course. “But that’s not--I don’t think you suddenly hate muggleborns and werewolves now, I mean, Jesus Christ. But I don’t--I just don’t know what you were thinking,” he said, exasperated. 

“Maybe I was _thinking_ that he’d been following us all term, anyway!” Sirius shouted back. “He was going to find out soon enough. I didn’t force him to do anything, he went willingly and all on his own! He needed to be taught a lesson.”

“No, he wouldn’t have! He wouldn’t have figured out how to press the knot in the tree if you hadn’t _told_ him!”

”Well, I did,” Sirius retorted indifferently.

“Alright, so apparently you can’t be bothered give a fuck that one of our classmates could have died. But what about Remus--did you even bloody well think about _Remus_?” James asked again. “It would have destroyed him if he hurt Snape! And even as it is, who fucking knows what’s going to happen now?” he asked. “I had to _beg_ Snape not to tell anyone, because he knows! _Snape_ of all fucking people knows about Remus now! Do you know what this means? What this means for Remus?”

Even in his state of dark ferocity, Sirius felt a very minute pang when James brought up Remus. "Bollocks." He declared after a moment of irritation. “Snape won’t tell,” he insisted. “Because he will then also have to admit that he was so scared he practically pissed himself and that _you_ had to save his arse. Nothing will change for Remus.”

James bit on his lip anxiously. “Are you so sure that he won’t tell? That he’s going to keep his word to _me?_ ” he asked. “And even if he doesn’t tell, Remus is going to have to live with knowing that Snape knows. God damnit, Sirius! You know how Remus feels about this. You know that people finding out is his worst fucking nightmare, and you give Snape all the tools he needs to figure it out?” he asked. “What is _wrong_ with you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t _know_ what’s wrong with me, I suppose we just can’t all be bloody fucking _heroes_ like cherished little James Potter with his perfect fucking life and perfect fucking parents.” Sirius spat, becoming more vicious with every breath. “Pull your broomstick out of your arse, for fuck’s sake.” He rolled his eyes.

At this next outburst, James’ eyes narrowed, brows drawing together in confusion. “What the fuck do my parents have to do with any of this?” he said, then laughed an empty sort of laugh.

“And I’m not being _heroic_! Refraining from leading others to my werewolf best mate on a full moon is not _heroic_ \--it’s just common fucking sense! This was always our secret! We all knew it had to stay a secret!”

“Oh, he’s getting angry now,” Sirius taunted with a twisted smile, clearly unaffected by James’ words. “I suppose I betrayed you, then--failed you. So what are you going to do about it? Put me under the cruciatus curse?” he said with a hollow bark-laugh and stopped circling James to stand menacingly close to him.

“Yes I am fucking angry right now,” James shouted. “And you didn’t betray _me_ , Sirius, you betrayed Remus!” he yelled, and that, for James, was even worse. If Sirius had betrayed him, he probably could have forgiven it fairly easily--but betraying Remus, James couldn’t forgive, because it wasn’t his forgiveness to give. That decision was Remus’ to make, and he didn’t even know yet what had happened.

“How could you even--why would you even say that?” he asked quietly. “I would never, _never_ hurt you, Sirius, but that doesn’t mean--it doesn’t mean that I can always just blindly agree with you and whatever you do! I can’t support this! I know--I _know_ you’re going through something awful, but you can’t take it out on Remus. You can’t even take it out on Snape, not like this--all of this could have led to irreparable damage, don’t you see that?” he said, then ran his hand frustratedly through his hair again. 

“What are you going to do about it?” Sirius repeated, dead serious now. “Looks like you want to hit me. So go on, then” he said truculently with gritted teeth and his wand gripped tightly.

“I don’t--” James replied. “I don’t want to hit you,” he muttered, though, that wasn’t exactly true. James wanted to smack Sirius so hard that his senses would finally return to him, but he wouldn’t do it. “I just--I need to go back to Remus. Someone needs to be there when he changes back,” James said flatly, and though he didn’t say it, he hoped that Sirius wouldn’t follow, because what he also needed was some space. 

Sirius suddenly grabbed James by the shirt and pulled him in towards him so that they were merely inches apart. The ghostly fog from the forest was hovering around their feet. “Fuck you. And fuck Remus.” he whispered directly into his ear. “I don’t need anyone.”

James’ eyes widened as Sirius grabbed him--that was something he hadn't expected to happen. As Sirius hissed into his ear, James simply remained there, frozen, unable to believe what Sirius was saying, and unable to respond. When Sirius finished, James stumbled out of his grasp. He merely gaped at him, his expression neither angry, nor hostile--simply shocked, and then, hurt. Even after a moment, James couldn’t find any words, wouldn’t have been able to get them past the constriction in his throat. Instead, he simply turned and transformed into a stag, galloping in the direction of the willow.

Sirius stared after James with a scowl for a few seconds before he also transformed into his animagus form and sprinted off in the opposite direction--deeper into the woods.

Peter had been wordlessly quivering below James and Sirius during the fight, and now realized that both of his companions had abruptly left him behind. He turned, surveying the forest from all angles--everything appeared exactly the same no matter where he looked.

~~*~~

A few hours after James and Sirius parted ways, the first inkling of sunlight began to form on the horizon over the lake. The werewolf sat huddled in the corner of the shrieking shack, eyeing James in his stag form with dislike. Clearly it held a grudge for James denying the prospect of a human kill. In an instinctual flash, it sensed the rise of the sun and began to howl with disdain. The howls, eerie and sad, continued until its transmogrification began: Its features began to retract. its fur fell from its body and its bones and muscles churned, grinded and remolded repeatedly in a grotesque way. Finally, after what seemed like ages, Remus lay curled in the corner in the wolf’s place, panting and whimpering.

James tried not to provoke the werewolf too much, remaining still in the corner--that was, until Remus transformed, and then James did too. His express was grief stricken as he watched Remus curled up there. The memories all must be connecting as Remus’ mind made sense of what happened that night--of Snape’s entrance and James’ own role. 

“Remus…” James said quietly, kneeling down beside him and resting a hand on his shoulder and draping a clean set of robes over him. Again, James wasn’t really sure what to say or do. He wanted to tell him that it was going to be okay, but was it? James couldn’t promise him that--he couldn’t promise him that Snape wasn’t telling his vicious, purist friends right now about what he saw. And what about Sirius? What did he say about _that_?

Remus propped himself up with all the strength he could muster, slipping more fully into the robes. He looked at James, his normally drained face even more weary with the flooding of distress.

“Severus...” he said quietly, his eyes filling with tears. “Is--is he alright….I didn’t--I don’t think… did I…?” the fear and guilt wore heavily on Remus. His entire body was quivering. “What have I done...” he whispered quietly, tears falling down his cheeks now. “I--I nearly killed you both...”

James shook his head rapidly. “No, you didn’t...he’s fine, you didn’t touch him. He ran away,” he said. “I checked on him, so I’m sure of it,” James assured him.

He bit the inside of his right cheek at Remus’ next words. Part of him wanted to immediately console Remus, but he didn’t want to dismiss what he was feeling, since it was all legitimate--they could have died. “That--it’s not--that shouldn’t have happened. He shouldn’t have been there,” James said quietly.

Remus closed his eyes, relieved that Severus had not been hurt. At James’ next words he opened them again and shook his head slowly. “No, James. _I_ should not have been there.” He said softly, looking away in despair. “This is what I’ve always feared...I was never meant to come to Hogwarts for this very reason. I have to go to Dumbledore. He gave me this remarkable chance...and I failed him.” 

“No, Remus, you do deserve to be here,” James insisted. “You belong here,” he said, feeling a mix of grief and anger swell up in him--grief for Remus’ situation, and anger at Sirius for putting him into this position, for making him face this. “I’m sure Dumbledore would agree, it wasn’t you who…” James trailed off, then took a deep breath. “Snape’s turning up here wasn’t an accident...Sirius led him to the shack. Enticed him or something--I’m not sure what he said exactly, but that’s what Snape told me, and Sirius confirmed it,” he said, then exhaled. “So it’s not...it’s not like Snape just stumbled upon this place, that it could have happened to anyone. It _shouldn’t_ have ever happened, and it’s not your fault.”

Stark confusion mixed in with Remus’ sad expression once James told him about Sirius. “Sirius led him here?” he asked in disbelief. “But...why?”

“I don’t know,” James admitted. “I think he thought it was a prank…?” he offered weakly, then shook his head again. “I really don’t know what he was thinking,” he said quietly, which was as unnerving as anything else. James was used to having a practically psychic bond with Sirius, but this he couldn’t comprehend. James didn’t think Sirius meant Remus intentional harm, but how could he not have thought about him at all? Then, Sirius’ last words resounded in James’ mind-- _Fuck you. And fuck Remus._

“Honestly, it--it doesn’t matter what Sirius was thinking or how Severus got here...If you hadn’t risked your life I would have killed him. And if Sirius hadn’t gotten some of his sense back, _you_ would be dead now. And I would have killed you...I’m telling Dumbledore everything, leaving out that you three were in here with me. I won’t have any of you being expelled on my account. Dumbledore can decide what happens to me next.”

James swallowed. He couldn’t deny that Remus would have killed Snape if he hadn’t been there...and that he would have killed _him_ if it wasn’t for Sirius. “You don’t have to...I-I made Snape swear not to tell anyone,” James said weakly, knowing, though, that he couldn’t convince Remus not to do something that his conscience was telling him to do--not sure that he even _should_ try and persuade Remus not to, because, after all, was the alternative of letting his guilt eat at him really better? And even if James disagreed with that guilt, what difference did that make to Remus?

Remus sighed deeply and rubbed his forehead. He looked much older than sixteen in that instant, having to carry such a heavy burden all the time. “You know I have to tell him, James. I owe Dumbledore that, at least. This is my fault and no one else will suffer because of me.” he said as he carefully stood up.

James frowned--though he wanted more than anything for life just to go back to normal for Remus, he knew that it ultimately wasn’t his decision. “Okay…” James said, quietly at first. “Okay,” he repeated, more firmly this time. “Whatever--whatever you need me to do.”


	3. The Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I’m not the one who gets hurt--I’m the one who does the hurting,” he said, because the worst of it was, it wasn’t just that Remus nearly killed Severus and James--he could also remember wanting to, he remembered wanting to maul them, to devour them, like all werewolves wanted to do, and it churned his stomach. Remus folded his arms into the space between his stomach and his knees.

After spending the remainder of the evening and early hours of the morning charging through the forbidden forest in dog form, Sirius had found his way back to the common room. He elected to eschew all of his classes for the day. Instead, he stayed in bed with his record player blasting while he drank whatever ale he had hidden away. His thoughts never left his fight with James. He fed the anger.

Remus, meanwhile, forewent his class as well, though that was typical following the full moon. He always spent the following day in the hospital wing, raising suspicion, no doubt, from his classmates, though most seemed content with the vague answer that he had some sort of chronic illness--which ultimately was true enough. Today, though, Remus had passed the morning in Headmaster Dumbledore’s office, pouring his guts to him. He expected Dumbledore to expel him--in more paranoid moments, he even anticipated that he might inform the Ministry of what had happened--but Dumbledore had done neither of those things. As Remus had left the office, he wasn’t sure which outcome he’d really been hoping for.

After Madame Pomfrey diligently examined him and virtually force fed him a sleeping potion to rest for a few hours, Remus was released from the hospital wing. For a moment, he did feel somewhat rested--dreamless sleep will do that to even the most guilty consciences--but the restfulness drained from him as soon as reality came crashing back in. He managed to hold it together as he passed through the corridors from the hospital wing to his dormitory, but in the bathroom, crash it did.

Examining himself in the mirror momentarily, Remus let himself come to pieces with a wrenching sob, fighting the urge to be sick. He gripped the edges of the sink, shoulders slumped, head bent over. He’d nearly murdered two people last night--Severus and James. _James_. One of his best friends. Remus gasped for air at the thought; though he’d lived with this since he was five, and, in fact, could scarcely remember a time when he wasn’t a werewolf, this was the first time in his life that he’d almost hurt someone, almost killed someone. Thanks to the tireless diligence of his parents and teachers and friends, Remus had never posed a threat to anyone but himself. Granted, he still saw his disease as something shameful, something disgusting, but the memory of Severus and James’ expressions was the first time he fully understood what he was capable of--that he truly was a monster.

Remus stumbled backwards, away from the sink, away from his reflection, and slammed into the wall, letting himself slump down it. Remus hugged his knees to his chest, shaking. He could have been expelled--after everything that his parents and Dumbledore had done for him, after all the risks they’d taken on his behalf, he’d nearly gotten himself _expelled._ Remus was disgusted at himself, at how selfish he could be. James said that Sirius had led Snape to him, but who had led Sirius, James, and Peter there? Who agreed to let them follow him, let them stay with him? He had. If it wasn’t for that decision, Sirius wouldn’t have known where to lead Severus. Remus ran his fingers through his hair, all the way to the back of his neck, digging his fingers into his skin. Part of him wished he’d been expelled, because he deserved it. He deserved it for his carelessness, for the threat he posed to his classmates, to his _friends._ Remus shifted his hands to cover his mouth, his nose, to stifle another rising sob.

Sirius eventually left his brooding to find his way dazedly into the bathroom to finally clean the dirt and muck caked all over his skin, hair and clothes. He stopped dead in his tracks when he found Remus in a heap on the floor, visibly upset. Moodiness fell away instantly. “What’s happened?” he asked, unable to suppress the alarm in his voice. “Remus…are you hurt?!” 

Remus started at Sirius’ voice--he hadn’t noticed him when he walked into the dormitory, hadn’t noticed much of anything, really. Remus stared at him blankly for a moment, his eyes bloodshot. Sirius remembered just as well as he did what he’d done and what more he _could_ have done, what more he _wanted_ to do. 

“I nearly killed two people last night,” he said, his voice low, haunted. “I almost killed _James_ , Sirius, I--” he said, then choked again, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. Still covering his face, Remus shook his head. “But how am I? Me, I’m fine,” he answered, letting his arms fall at his hides. “I’m a monster, Sirius,” Remus said hollowly, giving voice to all the thoughts and realizations that had been tormenting him since this morning. “And I’ve been--I’ve been _fooling_ myself and everyone else to believe otherwise, all these years. I’m not the one who gets hurt--I’m the one who does the hurting,” he said, because the worst of it was, it wasn’t just that Remus nearly killed Severus and James--he could also remember wanting to, he remembered wanting to maul them, to devour them, like all werewolves wanted to do, and it churned his stomach. Remus folded his arms into the space between his stomach and his knees.

The color drained from Sirius’ face as he listened to Remus, looking down at someone who had always been nothing but a true friend to him--to everyone. He was now forced to really see the consequences of his actions. “Remus...” he began breathlessly, his chest rising and falling heavily. “You’re not the monster… You weren’t yourself.. You didn’t have a choice, but _I_ did.” Sirius began to back away towards the sink, becoming too overwhelmed. “I am the monster.”

Remus shook his head. "It doesn't matter that you told Severus," he said, then met Sirius with a wry expression. "Because who told _you_ about the shack?" he asked. "I should never have told any of you where I go, but I did, because I was lonely and selfish and this is what comes of it," Remus said, wiping his eyes again. "God, I shouldn't even be around people at all," he said. "I used to not be allowed to play with other kids, did you know that?" Remus asked. "And what's really changed so that I should be allowed to now? Because I'm old enough to know better to keep my mouth shut?" Remus questioned. "Because if it's a question of the danger I pose to others, well, I'm more dangerous now than I was when I was younger, when I was small."

Sirius had been perfectly content with his friends being cross with him--his recent behaviours even suggested an intent to push those close to him away, but he could not tolerate Remus’ self-loathing and guilt. He ran his hands through his hair and gripped it. 

“Remus...I don’t want you to do this to yourself…No one got hurt. You deserve to be here. You deserve it more than I do. Dumbledore’s always wanted you here. You told us about the shack because you trusted us, trusted _me._ ” Sirius looked at Remus now with a deep sadness, one that he had been masking with anger all this time. “I will take the fall for this, not you.”

Remus shook his head, "I already came clean to Dumbledore. I didn't tell him about the rest of you," he explained. "Dumbledore’s not going to expel me, so it doesn't matter," Remus told Sirius, but there was no joy in his words. "He said that he was ultimately responsible for any security flaws in his plan," Remus scoffed. Everyone seemed to want to take blame for this, even the Headmaster. "But if Snape tells someone, and they tell their parents..." Remus shrugged, his expression empty. "They're not going to care about whatever role you played. You're not the werewolf."

Sirius’ eyes welled up with tears, understanding now that he left the fate of one of his best friends’ in the hands of their enemy. The next time they faced off, or the time after that or any other time within the next two years, would Snape truly be so keen on keeping Remus’ secret? And Remus was right--even though Sirius had been the one to cause this, no parent would care about the troubled kid with mummy and daddy issues; not when there was a werewolf. He couldn’t fix this.

What had he done?

“FUCKING DAMNIT--FUCK” he exploded suddenly, punching his reflection in the mirror violently with his fist until the glass shattered all over him. He then ripped the frame with impressive force from the wall and smashed it against the floor--kicking through it and screaming all the while. With tears burning down his face, Sirius--now covered in blood again--slid down against the wall and buried his head in his hands as he sobbed. 

“Remus...You didn’t deserve this--You are ten times the person I will ever be.” he choked, too guilty now to even look at his friend. “I...don’t know what’s wrong with me...I never wanted any of this...I...” 

Remus jumped, his body tensing at Sirius’ sudden outbreak. He watched him in a horrified sort of amazement as he ripped the mirror’s frame off the wall. It was enough to distract Remus momentarily from his more immediate problems. He knew Sirius had been going through a lot with his parents, but somehow this physical manifestation of it all still managed to shock him.

Was this why he told Snape? Out of a need to destroy things? The question, though, was who was Sirius trying to destroy. Snape, Remus--or himself? Biting his lip, Remus shook his head. “I don’t know,” Remus admitted, since it seemed fruitless with all the broken glass and blood and what had passed last night to deny that something was wrong. “Is it...what went on at home?” he asked hesitantly.

Surrounded by his own destruction, Sirius looked up slowly at Remus through his tears with his instinctive defenses creeping in. Despite his natural tendency to shut down, Sirius knew Remus deserved his honesty. He shifted uncomfortably and looked down at his bloodied hands. “Home? HA.” he said with a hollow barking laugh. But then he continued, “...I know things have been different since I left. I haven’t been myself. I think I convinced myself a long time ago that I didn’t care about them, that I didn’t care what they thought of me. But then my mum...” He trailed off, shaking his head. “All she cares about is her mad pureblood dogma. And how well I represent her. She never cared for me. And she never will. Facing that...it hurt.” He explained slowly. “But there’s no excuse for what I’ve done to you, to us.” he said, looking at Remus with defeat. 

Remus didn’t disagree--there were ways to handle these kinds of crises, and this wasn’t it. Still, it was hard to imagine how Sirius wouldn’t inevitably lash out in that situation--how anyone wouldn’t lash out. Remus wished that he hadn’t gotten pulled into it, though, but with or without Sirius’ intervention, there was the undeniable reality that he posed a constant threat to his classmates, and his presence was a threat that was no one’s fault but his own. Rubbing his eyes, Remus sighed, “You fucked up, but there were always so many different ways this whole situation could have taken a bad turn.”

“...I’m sorry, Remus,” Sirius offered weakly. He was an absolute mess--covered in blood, glass, muck and tears. “I know I can’t change what I did, but I’m going to tell Dumbledore that I was the one who told Snape. I betrayed you, put all of us at risk, and nearly got someone killed. I deserve to be expelled.”

At that moment, Peter burst into the bathroom completely covered in dirt, sticks, and several variations of herbs, shrubs and weeds--he basically had become a human shrubbery. Additionally, his shirt was so soaked in mud that it was barely a shirt anymore and his loosened tie was questionably singed. 

Peter’s eyes were wide open and vacant with daze.

“...I got lost,” he murmured distantly to no one in particular.

Remus and Sirius exchanged confused glances. 

“Hang on--Did you _just_ get back from last night?” Sirius asked incredulously.

“...Yes.”

Sirius immediately erupted into roaring laughter and rested his forehead on his knees. Remus fought with everything he had to maintain his demeanor but with the combination of Peter’s pitiful appearance and Sirius’ infectious laughter, it was impossible. The corners of his mouth began to twitch, and then, he, too, burst into laughter.


	4. The Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James stared blankly at Sirius’ banter. There was a small part of James that just wanted to goof around about their new seeker, to forget about everything, to just be _them_ again. The rest of James--the rational parts--knew that was impossible, that this wasn’t an issue that could just be brushed off. He thought about what Lily had said--stand your ground. “She’s good,” James said noncommittally, folding his arms over his chest against the cold.

The fire was roaring in the common room, but as James he felt as cold on the inside as he ever had. His school bag was at his feet--he wasn’t even pretending to do work. James hadn’t spoken to Sirius in what felt like eons, and he couldn’t get their fight off his mind long enough to focus on much of anything. He kept cycling through their shouting match over and over again in his head, reliving every brutal moment of it. He wanted a resolution; to put an end to it and move on, but one of them needed to apologize, and James couldn’t be the one to do that. As much as he regretted everything that had happened, James knew he was right. What Sirius had done was wrong, and he needed to realize that--James was just worried that Sirius was never going to, or at least that he’d never admit it.

With a bang, James turned as the portrait hole swung open. He watched as Sirius walked in--Lily was behind him, but for once, James hardly noticed her as he kept his eyes locked on Sirius. There was no way Sirius could not have seen him, but he blew past James without even glancing in his direction and made his way up to the common room. 

James turned around and felt a tightness in his chest--he closed his eyes and felt tears of both frustration and grief gather there. A few escaped and slid down his cheeks.

Lily watched this all in quiet disbelief--it was impossible not to pick up on the tension between the four of them, and particularly between Black and Potter. There were rumors, too--rumors about what had happened to Severus, about James saving him from whatever monster lived in the shrieking shack-- _something_ major had definitely happened, but she couldn’t figure out for the life of her why it would have ended in Potter and Black not speaking to each other. Watching Black blow past Potter as coldly as he did had actually stopped Lily in her tracks--then, she looked over at Potter and saw him _crying_. She was stunned.

She considered just leaving him--Lily didn’t even _like_ Potter, but watching him sit there all alone, wiping away tears, well...it was kind of depressing.

“Hey, Potter,” greeted Lily, sitting down in the armchair opposite him.

James opened his eyes wearily. “Evans,” he acknowledged, not bothering to even hide that he’d been crying. 

Lily watched him, uncertain what to say or what she was trying to do here. She just hadn’t felt right leaving him alone, but it seemed silly to ask him how he was or make small talk. Lily could already see that Potter was crying-alone-in-the-common-room levels of bad. Perhaps granting him the dignity of not crying alone was all she could really do; so instead of saying anything, Lily pulled out her Transfiguration book.

“I don’t know how to help him,” said James, startling Lily, as they’d been sitting in silence for a long couple of minutes now.

Lily said nothing in return--she didn’t need to ask him who he was talking about, it was obvious he meant Black. Instead, she closed her book, a silent invitation to continue.

“What’s going on with him…” James shook his head, then rubbed his forehead. “It’s beyond me.”

It wasn’t difficult to surmise that Black had been acting...different, and not for the better. He was angry. He practically radiated rage, and Potter--well, he wasn’t like that. He was a troublemaker and prat of the highest order, but he wasn’t an angry person. Potter was almost always obnoxiously, stupidly happy. Lily was certain this was a simplification of whatever was really at hand here, but even just from what she could observe, it was clear that for as much as Black and Potter were alike, they were also profoundly different.

“Whatever’s going on, you can’t be something you’re not for him, but you _are_ a good friend, so just...stay within yourself.” Lily had to concede this point--she didn’t have many kind things to say about Potter, but he stood tirelessly by Black, who was messy and complicated and not always so easy to like. It must be exhausting at times--Potter certainly looked exhausted now, but clearly he wasn’t giving up, or else he wouldn’t be so torn up.

“He did something really terrible,” James admitted.

Lily frowned, “And you don’t think you can forgive him for it?”

James shook his head, “For me to forgive him, he’d have to come down from his high…” he struggled to find the word. Horse wasn’t right--what Sirius did wasn’t self-righteous, it was self-destructive, “high hell-beast and apologize first.”

Lily snorted at the analogy, which she had to admit, sounded essentially perfect. 

“So make sure that he does,” said Lily. “Don’t coddle him or cave to the desire of fixing everything up nice and quick and pretty. Stand your ground until he’s ready to come off that high hell-beast.”

There was quiet again for a few minutes as James contemplated this. He _did_ want to fix it all up and be done with it, but maybe that wasn’t the right way to really move forward. He looked over at Lily, “Why are you being so nice to me?” he asked.

Lily raised her eyebrows, “Because you looked so sad and pathetic, sitting here all alone crying as Black sulked off,” she explained. “Besides, I’m always nice. You’re the mean one.” 

“That sounds more like the Evans I know.”

Lily stood up and shrugged. “I’m a complex, multi-faceted girl. There are sides to me you wouldn’t know,” she told him. Lily nearly turned to leave for the girls dormitory, but then glanced down at James again. He still looked fairly wretched and miserable. Lily sighed.

“Listen,” she said, “I don’t know what happened between you and Black, and it’s not my business, but if you want my two sickles, I think you two will figure it out. You’re too important to one another to let something break you. Black’s a prideful git, much like yourself, but he loves you. It’s plain to see. He’ll get over his pride for you, you’ll see. But you need to give it time, Black might _need_ to apologize, not so that you can be right, but so that he can grow.”

James gaped at her ability to be so insightful about something she literally knew nothing about.

“Also...I’ve heard some things. About Severus going off to explore the shrieking shack and you saving him from whatever’s in there,” she said, her voice suddenly vulnerable as she breached a subject that was clearly important to her--Severus. “Thank you. I know you despise one another, but you did the right thing anyway. That was very...decent,” she admitted.

For some reason, this didn’t seem to improve James’ mood at all. He simply looked down and lifted a shoulder. “Like you said, it was decent. Decency shouldn’t be congratulated.” 

“Right,” said Lily, realizing this was a mood he couldn’t be so easily roused from. “Well, bye now, Potter. Good luck. Stay strong,” she said, then left.

~~*~~

A few days later, Sirius woke uncharacteristically early in his dormitory to the sounds of Peter’s deep, farm animal snoring. He lay there on his back for a few moments listening to Peter absent mindedly. For reasons Sirius would never fully understand, Dumbledore did not expel him after he confessed what he had done. When prompted for an explanation for his behaviour, Sirius responded that he did it “for a laugh,” and left it at that. He had added into his confession how, following his encounter with Snape, Sirius had gone and told James what he had done, believing James would have found it humorous as well. This, he had added to protect James and fill in the gap of how he had known to save Snape. And surely James had no time to confront a professor, seeing as Snape was already on his way…

Thoughts of James flooded him with the physical kind of regret that makes your stomach churn. He groaned and buried his face in his pillow. Although Remus appeared to accept his apology to some extent, Remus had not been around to truly witness Sirius that night. But James certainly had and Sirius had been avoiding him since. After finding Remus on the bathroom floor and having to face what he had done and who he was becoming, Sirius’ anger was at last overpowered by the emotions he had been fighting to avoid: loneliness, abandonment, rejection, and now, regret.

Being apart from James like this felt completely wrong. They had fought in the past, but never to such an extreme. Sighing deeply, Sirius peeled back his bed curtains and peered over at James’ bed adjacent to his. It was empty, and Sirius remembered that James would be at Quidditch practice--even at such an ungodly hour. Even Remus was still asleep. Sirius dragged himself out of bed and hastily got dressed, deciding he couldn’t exist another moment without reuniting with his best friend.

Once out of the castle, Sirius bounded as a black dog around the edge of the foggy grounds towards the Quidditch pitch. A storm was coming, he could smell it. Images of all his recent mistakes constantly flashed through his mind as he ran, along with the cold look on his mother’s face after Sirius had been cursed. He had been a coward, all this time. Afraid to face his true feelings. This, coming from the boy who always claimed to fear nothing.

After reaching the pitch, he transformed, found a seat on the bleachers close to the field, and hugged his knees to his chest. Very quickly, Sirius found himself missing the fur he had as a dog and regretted only wearing a t-shirt over a long sleeve shirt on that chilly fall morning. He looked up and watched the Gryffindor team practice, just as he always used to.

~~*~~

It was a miserable Quidditch practice--or maybe that was just because James had been feeling miserable in general since the last full moon. His rift with Sirius and constant worry for Remus were taking a toll on James, and the pounding, Scottish rain on the Quidditch pitch was doing nothing to lift his spirits. Still, James tried to lose himself in the game, and the more practice progressed, the more James was able to focus single-mindedly on chasing the quaffle and drowning out every other thought and concern. If anything, James proved to be more aggressive than usual, though when he landed on the pitch at the end of it, it was almost as if the entire practice had passed in a blur.

As practice came to an end, James didn’t goof around with his teammates like he normally would. Without the sport distracting him, the exhaustion of the past few days seeped into his bones like an illness. Drying his face and hair with a towel, James stopped on his way to the locker room as he spotted the familiar figure of Padfoot. Glancing back at his teammates, James broke off from them as they headed towards the locker room. He opted instead to pull a jumper over his uniform rather than change fully. His expression was tight as he approached Padfoot. 

Once fully out of view of his team, James stood beside Padfoot and gave a curt, “Hey.”

Sirius felt a heavy lump in his throat as he watched James approach him. Even as a dog he appeared uneasy, with his tail between his legs. Once James was before him, he transformed from a soaked dog back into a soaked boy. He glanced at James anxiously for a moment before looking instead down at his trainers. 

“So...Erm... Your new seeker seems rather good. She’s not bad looking either.” He muttered weakly after a painful, elongated silence, avoiding James’ glance. He rung some of the water from his t-shirt to keep himself occupied.

James stared blankly at Sirius’ banter. There was a small part of James that just wanted to goof around about their new seeker, to forget about everything, to just be _them_ again. The rest of James--the rational parts--knew that was impossible, that this wasn’t an issue that could just be brushed off. He thought about what Lily had said--stand your ground. “She’s good,” James said noncommittally, folding his arms over his chest against the cold.

Sirius then took a long breath and forced himself to meet James’ eye. “..Could I talk to you?” he asked, pushing his dripping hair out of his face. “I just...wanted you to know I told Dumbledore...what I did. I expected to be halfway back to London by now. Erm... But here I am. Could we just talk about it, then? I don’t expect your forgiveness...I don’t deserve it.” He said, sounding utterly dejected.

At Sirius’ next words, though, James felt his heart tighten. His eyebrows raised at the mention of Dumbledore--James, too, was amazed he hadn’t expelled Sirius, and amazed that Sirius had taken that risk. James frowned deeply as he examined Sirius’ face. He could see the hurt in his expression, the defeat in his voice, and in spite of everything, Sirius hurting was still something that James couldn’t bear. He ran his hand through his hair--between the rain, wind, sweat, and natural unruliness, it looked like a veritable beast atop his head. 

“Of course,” James said, letting his hand fall at his side. “The rest of the team is probably out of the locker room by now, if you want to go there,” he suggested. 

Sirius held his breath as he anxiously awaited James’ response and exhaled with some relief when James agreed to speak with him. He nodded to James and led the way silently through the rain and mud into the locker room. Once inside, he shook the water violently from his hair. 

The locker room was dimly lit by a multitude of candles, and was darker due to the bleak weather outside. Sirius paced uncomfortably while he mustered the courage and dignity to speak.

“...I’ll never forgive myself for what I’ve done.” Sirius said slowly, after a particularly loud crash of thunder outside. “I can’t tell you what I was thinking. I have no bloody clue why I went and did what I did...” he continued with defeat. “It’s one thing to endanger myself. That I do all the time...but _Remus?_ And _you_. That’s not me.” he said, shaking his head with sincere astonishment. “Even Snape. I mean, fuck him, but I never wanted to... _kill_ anyone.”

Sirius turned and looked directly at James now for the first time since he started speaking. “I don’t--I don’t want you to think that’s who I’ve become. The things I said to you...that’s not who I am...” His voice was strained now as he felt the burn of tears pooling in his eyes. 

With the dark clouds outside and the shadows cast from the candles, it looked particularly gloomy inside the locker room. Sirius’ face, cast in shadows, almost looked eerie as James watched him intently. He frowned. Part of James always knew that, deep down, Sirius hadn’t meant any of that--but the utter remorselessness he showed that night had chilled James, made him waver in his certainty for the next few days.

As James held Sirius’ gaze, he knew now that this was the truth. James knew Sirius too well to be fooled. “I know it’s not,” he said, honestly. Even if Sirius had made him doubt, he accepted Sirius’ belated admission and believed it wholeheartedly. It didn’t mean that Sirius hadn’t done something terrible--but what had propelled Sirius to do it just showed how much Sirius was hurting, even if he’d been bottling it up the past couple of weeks. James couldn’t just abandon him. He rubbed his eyes, trying to keep from tearing up himself, because he hated to see Sirius like this. “ I know what you’re going through is awful. You made a really big fucking mistake, but...that doesn’t mean this is who you are now. You’ll get through this. _We_ will get through this.”

Sirius listened to James keenly with surprise made evident by his countenance. He was reminded of the callous look on his mother’s face when he had turned to her, and how easily it had been for her to abandon him for her own pride. In stark contrast, here was James, refusing to give up on him even when Sirius had made it so that he deserved it. As overwhelmed and confused as he was with himself, Sirius recognized how deeply he appreciated and loved his best friend.

Silently, he took a seat on one of the locker room benches and wiped his tears. Usually, he would have been profoundly embarrassed to become physically upset in front of someone, but there was no one Sirius trusted more than James.

“You’re my brother,” he said simply, looking to James after rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. “I know I don’t deserve it, but I don’t want to lose you. I’ve been an idiot all this time--thinking that I’d lost my family…” He went on, his voice becoming strained again. “ _You_ are my family. You always have been.”

James sat down next to Sirius, offering a tired, but genuine smile. “You’re mine too,” he told him, then shook his head. “You don’t need to do anything to deserve it or earn it, this is just how it is,” James said, then laughed a little bit. “I might not always be happy with you. I might get angry with you again, but I will always, _always_ be there for you in the end, no matter what. I promise,” James told him. He frowned a little bit at the mention of Sirius’ family--while it was true that James was more than willing to fill that role, it shouldn’t have to be an either-or scenario. “And that won’t ever change,” James assured him, looking him straight in the eyes. 

Also disregarding normal bars on sentimentality, James pulled Sirius into a tight hug.

Sirius gladly returned James’ hug with watery eyes and, finally, his face broke out into a smile. “I know,” he responded gently. “I’ve always known that--I just lost sight of it with everything that’s happened.” 

James nodded, “It happens,” he said. “But I’m not like them. You don’t need to do anything or prove anything to me, and you can fuck up--big time--and I’ll always still be here. What we have is permanent,” James told him.

After a moment or so, Sirius pulled back from the hug and smiled sheepishly. “I do know that, but you met my mum, dare you do one thing she disapproves of, and you become irrelevant. I guess I just needed to be reminded that you’ll always be there,” he explained.

James frowned a bit, then, and nodded. “I know...I can’t imagine what it’s like having her as a mum,” he said. “You’ll never be irrelevant to me, though. Never,” James promised.

Sirius smiled, feeling more like himself again with every word James said. “You really must love me.” he said playfully, cocking his eyebrow with a small familiar grin.

“Yeah, I’m kind of hopeless,” James joked, but there was some truth there--he was, perhaps, stupidly devoted to people with a nearly inhuman inability to give up. 

“But I am going to try not to fuck up big time again,” Sirius added firmly. “Though I can’t promise I won’t fuck up in lesser ways.” His grin now contained its usual smugness.

James laughed a bit, “Oh, I have no doubt, but then you wouldn’t be you if you didn’t.”

“You know, I had idolized her as a kid.” Sirius admitted as he slowly swung one of his legs over the bench he was sitting on so that he was directly facing James. “But I don’t want to become _anything_ like her..” Sirius felt terrible confessing this fear aloud, but it clearly had been something that had been profoundly burdening him over the past few days.

“I don’t think anyone can help but idolize their parents when they’re younger,” Jame said. As Sirius agonized over the comparison, it was difficult for James to think of his best friend as being as cold and imposing as Mrs. Black, even after the other night. He shook his head, “You’re not like her,” James said. “Maybe that’s part of where...the other night came from, on some kind of weird, subconscious level, but that’s not who you are,” James told him. “As big of a thing as it was, it doesn’t undermine everything else about you, your humour, your open-mindedness, your loyalty. Nothing is big enough to wipe all of that out.”

Sirius listened to James intently and exhaled loudly with relief as he tilted his head back. “Promise you’ll tell me if I start turning into a callous, patronizing, supercilious bitch” he instructed with a familiar smirk. “Though, to some extent it may be too late. For instance, I’ll once again be demanding a Quidditch jersey with my name on it. I’m basically the eighth unofficial Gryffindor player. I mean, I’ve snogged nearly every girl that’s been on this team since fourth year--that must count for something.”

James laughed, “Oh, don’t worry about that, I will,” he assured him. “Well, I think I can make that happen once I’m captain,” James smirked. “In the meantime, Shacklebolt thinks that you’re an insidious distraction to our female teammates, and a general nuisance all around, so I don’t think it’s high on his list of priorities.”

“Well, Shacklebolt can kiss my arse. Although, he’s not entirely incorrect, as it were,” said Sirius, returning James’ smirk. “ _You_ certainly should be distracting your seeker though. And if you don’t, I will.” he added, cocking his brow. “There _are_ more girls in this school than Lily Evans, you know.” 

James rolled his eyes, then shook his head. “Are there?” he asked. “I hadn’t noticed,” James teased...but was only really half-teasing. Lily pretty much _was_ the only girl he really noticed, at least in that way.

“Right.” Sirius replied with a sly look that saw right through James’ teasing. The storm had mainly subsided outside by now, replacing downpour with drizzle. “Shall we get out of here?” he asked. “I have a detention date with Hagrid this afternoon and I look like I’ve been having a rendezvous in the lake with the giant squid.”

“I’m sure Hagrid would understand,” James reasoned. “He’s a friend of all Merlin’s creatures, even lowly lake cretins such as yourself,” he joked, but stood up, pulling his own sopping jumper and Quidditch jersey over his head and throwing them into his locker to gather mold. James grabbed a dry jumper from within, pulling it over his head.

“I can appreciate that.” Sirius sniggered as he tugged off his own wet shirts and dropped them on the floor for someone to slip on later. He nonverbally unlocked Shacklebolt’s locker with a lazy flick of his wand. Then, grinning to himself, he grabbed one of Shacklebolt’s clean jumpers. He pulled the red hood over his head as they walked out into the grey mist. 

James shook his head, laughing as Sirius stole his captain’s sweatshirt. “You know, I think the big ‘Shacklebolt’ on the back of that might give you away pretty quickly,” he smirked, not advising him in the least to put the sweatshirt back, however.

After a few moments of walking, Sirius turned and looked at James.

“I would do anything for you, mate--I hope you know that. That won’t ever change,” he said with a genuine smile

“I know,” James said firmly, smiling in return. “I don’t doubt that at all.”

_Fin_


End file.
